every spark of friendship and love

[crabmunicator]

Who| Karkat and Nill, then the Signless
What| Karkat finally revives after his canon update.
Where| Nill and the Signless's suites.
When| About a week after his death in the arena.
Warnings/Notes| Descriptions of death and violence, references to abuse, Karkat's filthy mouth.

Karkat's death had been sharp and violent, an end sudden despite the fight preceding, all too much more at once than he could fight off. Even with two knives there's only so much you can do against fangs that long, and less still once they're in your neck. And so he had died, throat torn out, swift and bloody and without a chance to see Nill safe.

And then he was back on LOFAF. Things were fine until they very suddenly weren't, with a call from Meenah heralding chaos and light and fire and hate. He saw the great red girth of his Empress's battleship, but even that took a backseat to Gamzee. Fucking Gamzee, covered in blood, beating Terezi to the same state. Kanaya had gone for him with her chainsaw, but after everything, every last betrayal and hurt that clown had caused, he wanted to--

And it was over. Sword through his chest, once, twice, and the heat of lava burning him to ashes before he could bleed out.

It took him a long time after he woke to even head up to his room. It's a long time still before he leaves it.

A) for Nill
There's one thing he has to deal with first, and that's Nill. She came to mind swiftly when he got to thinking about the arena again, and it didn't take much to find out she'd died right after him. He checked other names in the process, Dave and Terezi and even Initiate, but they're still going, still alive, and he doesn't yet know how he'll talk to them once it's over. But Nill--Nill if anyone knows his fears. She's the one he talked to about all this back during their first arena. And besides, he wants to see her okay again, not hungry or cold or having to fight, a point of stability against all the chaos in his head.

He heads up to District 9, hoping that he'll find her here first instead of the roof, that she's at least in the building instead of out for who knows what. He makes a beeline for her door and knocks clearly without saying anything.

B) for the Signless
It's later that night, after he's met with Nill, that he turns his attention anywhere else. What happened is distinctly a troll thing more than anything else, and with his teammates still in the arena, that leaves only his ancestor. It's not a last-ditch choice, not really. The Signless has been helpful, and wasn't it him who said he can't carry stuff alone? Even if his past self's moirallegiance with him is a done deal, and that's not what he seeks, he feels the need to talk it out with someone from his own culture. And even if the Signless is one who opposed it and tried to bring change... That perspective might be something he needs.

He finds his way up to 12's floor this time, and his knocks are soft as his voice when he asks through the door, "You there?"

Comments

[reassures]

The issue with how Nill learned to survive is that it's largely self-sufficient, and tends not to work very well when other people are involved. It's no fault of her own, or anyone else's or that matter. Her first year of violence that involved someone else was Heine, who fought recklessly not because he was truly reckless, but because it was easier. He relied on his body to heal itself while he finished what he was doing, and if that involved several bullets in the chest he was largely alright with that. The people that actually taught her to fight back concentrated on things she could do by herself; the idea was that there would usually be someone around to protect her, and then it wouldn't be an issue. They were wrong, and had Nill known better, Karkat might not have died the way he did.

It's been a week since, and though the avoxes hadn't cleared out Karkat's room the last she had checked, she was still left worried and anxious, unsure if they would decide to just not bring him back. Luckily Linden had been sober when Nill came back herself, and because of it she hadn't touched much of any substances, at least not publicly. It's also why, when she opens the door to her room, it smells slightly of cigarette smoke.

Perhaps a little predictably, the surprise is obvious in Nill's expression once she sees who's actually knocking on her door. She doesn't often get visitors but she certainly wasn't expecting it to be Karkat standing there. It takes a second or two of processing before Nill simply reaches over and pulls Karkat into a loose hug.

[crabmunicator]

It's an awkward moment that passes between the door opening and her action, one where he's caught on looking at her and a failure to think of what to say. His head is a jumble, even after as long as he took to come up here, and nothing comes out before she pulls him into the hug. That, at least, is easy to answer.

His arms circle her middle, beneath her wings, a little more firmly than her but not tight. He mumbles into the region of her shoulder, "I'm sorry." For not killing the cat, or for not lasting long enough to see her safe, or for the worry she might have had for how long it took him to return. It may not be his fault, but he feels the need to say something.

[reassures]

Nill is all too quick to shake her head when he apologizes, an easy dismissal. There was nothing to apologize for, he did nothing wrong, everything was okay. It takes her a moment longer before she actually pulls away and when she does her eyes are obviously a little watery looking, but no tears slip free. She lifts a hand, but aborts the gesture about halfway, settling on his shoulder when she had originally meant to touch his cheek. She doesn't want to cause another awkward social faux pas. Mostly the small smile on her face just looks relieved.

She takes a step back and gestures him inside, free to sit wherever he wants, like usual. The desk has a few open books and a notebook spread out, no doubt what she'd been trying to occupy herself with before he showed up.

[crabmunicator]

He lets her sever things when she draws back, and makes no comment to her motion when the hand ends up on the non-awkward spot. It's a comfort, and while he can't return her smile, he is grateful for the whole of her welcome.

He follows inside and takes a seat on the side of her bed.

"... I went back," he says, after a moment. He could have asked what happened to her, but he knows already and there's not much point to dragging out the inevitable. "I went back to Paradox Space, and I died."

Though there's more to it, he looks up at her then. It's got to be more than enough to react to before he gets into the heavy details.

[reassures]

Nill shuts the door after a brief peek out, mostly to see if Dave was here, if she should say something to him - but it didn't seem like he was, and even if he had been surely Karkat would see him when he wanted to, if he hadn't already. She's in the process of sitting down, having grabbed something to write with and on, when the new information comes, and Nill's eyes go a little wide as she looks as Karkat.

He died, again. He died on his way in here too, and the three times since... He was actually higher up than her on the list of deaths. Five. The poor kid.

Her expression is quick to grow worried, but if he was telling her then he must have wanted to talk, and Nill is more than willing to let him do that. The notebook is flipped open to an empty page.

what happened?

[crabmunicator]

Karkat's not concerned with Dave in this moment, but that's because he checked who was still in the arena earlier. Instead Nill's the only one he'd really call a friend who's here yet, save perhaps his ancestor, but he'll worry about that later.

Her reaction ends up being short and direct, but it's one he can work with. His lip gets caught between his teeth as he thinks.

"... Gamzee happened, if you want the really plain version. But really, there was a bunch of shit going on," he starts. "When I first went back, it was fine for a while until this sort-of friend of mine called me saying there was trouble. Kanaya and I went to check it out, and then suddenly there was white and green light in the sky, and the trees caught on fire, and Dave flew by chasing dog people... Even the Empress's battleship showed up out of nowhere above us. It was chaos, and I don't know what even half of it was about."

He's spent time thinking it over since he got back, and he's still more confused than anything. He's pretty sure one of the people Dave was chasing was Jack, but it doesn't tell him what the rest was about. Altogether it's superfluous right now.

"Once Kanaya and I got out of the forest, though, we found Gamzee and..."

This is the hard part. Not just for dying, but because it feels wrong somehow to just go into what happened to someone else who's still here. Is there a protocol for it? Talking about someone else's abuse seems out of line, but does it matter if the person hasn't experienced it? But on the other hand, how clear would it be with the details left off? He bites his lip, then sighs.

Though unsatisfied, he says, "We found Gamzee and Terezi. I'm not going to go into all what happened between them, but suffice it to say things were bad. They were fighting--covered in their own blood--and I couldn't let it continue. I couldn't, I...

"I hate him," he says, with sudden, sharp clarity. "He took every last shred of worth and value he had and killed it. He was trying to kill her, it looked like. I... I went--I wanted--I wanted to kill him for it. And I ran up with my sickle out--pushed my fucking sleeves up for it, even..." He shakes his head. Why did he think that was going to help? "But he took her cane, this one with a sword in it. He grabbed me, he stabbed me through the chest, and he dumped me in the lava below us before I was even dead."

[reassures]

Unlike the last Arena, Nill hasn't been quite so vigilant with watching the results. She does when she's feeling particularly masochistic, like she's failing the people still in the Arena, but she's also been spending time with Linden, and he mostly pays attention to 6. She sent Beth things though when Daryl died. She doesn't know Dave well enough to have paid attention during what little time she saw him, though she did worry a little. He just wasn't a priority. Maybe she should have paid better attention.

The minute he says Gamzee's name Nill knows whatever happened is going to be bad, especially with how much Karkat struggles to get the meaning, as much detail without... what? There are a million things he could be careful about saying. Mostly she thinks it must have been something he doesn't want the Capitol to know, and the assumption, though false, is enough to keep her from asking.

But-- Kanaya. It doesn't stick out as much as Gamzee's name does, not in meaning, but it still sits at the back of her throat, a worried lump she doesn't know how to give reassurance to. She can't ask. She refused to endanger her by letting them think she was interested. It doesn't make it hurt less to do.

Even knowing it's bad, Nill's not prepared for just how awful it really is. At some point her eyes go just a little wide but she never moves to interrupt him or to try to write. Not until he's done.

When she's done writing she holds up the note in one hand, reaching with the other to carefully touch her fingertips to his arm, a small attempt at comfort.

I'm so sorry.
after that you woke up here again?

[crabmunicator]

He's grateful that she listens and doesn't stop him. It might be easier later once it's more settled, once it's been told once, but right now to have his line of thought interrupted would make it harder to all get out. So he goes until the end, and waits for her to write. He lets her fingers touch his arm, no resistance, no discomfort.

A nod answers her question. "I think... that's it there. For me if no one else. I don't have a dreamself anymore. Jane's power can only be used once. The dream bubbles were being destroyed, and this happened far outside them, so no one else with life powers can come fix it--and even that would probably need me to not be burned to ashes in the lava."

The last bit comes out with difficulty, like forcing it through a tightening throat. He can still feel it: how hot it was, burning as he sunk in. It can't even be called cooking him alive. It was hotter and quicker, and though the death might have been swift, he's got another heavy reason to avoid sleep for a long time.

[reassures]

Oh. Oh, no. It seemed like a lot of the kids from Alternia generally were... accustomed to dying. Not to the actual pain of it, of course, but death tends to follow them from what Nill has seen, and though awful she can only be so surprised when she's told of another death. What she's not used to hearing is that this time would probably be the last.

She ducks her head a little more when she writes and blinks a few times, preemptively trying to make sure she doesn't start tearing up, and hopefully without Karkat noticing.

you think you're doomed?

[crabmunicator]

He can't see her face from this angle, not really, and his own thoughts are caught up in what he's told her and what it means. Her question seems a natural extension, and he nods before he can muster an answer.

"I must be, or as good as. I don't have anything to go back to. I'd just end up in the dream bubbles with all the other ghosts." It feels unfair, and his heart tightens. There were so many people from so many offshoots, every effort of theirs rendered null and void because some part of it wasn't what Paradox Space needed to happen. "And everything was such a mess. Gamzee and Terezi trying to kill each other--and Kanaya coming after me with her lipstick. I don't know what would have happened to her, or what else was happening outside us."

[reassures]

Kanaya is strong. I'm sure she's okay.

Nill doesn't believe it quite as much as she'd like Karkat to think she does, but if nothing else, her opinion of Kanaya is high enough. It was just a matter of whether not anyone could have waked away from what happened, and Nill is not foolish enough to think the jade blood incapable of being defeated.

you might still be able to change it. you might not be doomed.

[crabmunicator]

Karkat eyes her words and eyes her, and he doesn't believe her entirely. He wants to, he'd like to hope, but there's nothing to be done when he can't know the future.

He shakes his head with a tightened jaw at the next.

"No. Nill, my body burned up in lava, I have no extra lives in stock, and I've seen so many other pointless bastards roaming out there that if they couldn't undoom things, then neither can I. That's it for me there. I have what remains of the afterlife until either Lord English destroys it or the real team defeats him. That's it."

And it's not a happy thing to say or think, but he's not here for hoping about things he knows to be impossible. There's nothing else, nothing: it's either here or teen drama bubble swamp, and possible existential oblivion after that.

[reassures]

It's certainly not what Nill wants to hear, or would ever want to hear, but maybe it's a good thing that Karkat is generally accepting of his apparent fate. There's no denial there, and in a place like Panem denial would probably be a dangerous thing eventually. (She still has no idea how Gary's still around.)

Not that there's much time to think on that. The mention of an afterlife makes her eyes go a little wide, and wider still at the idea of something destroying it. It was obvious that Lord English was powerful, but what kind of monster would need to exist to destroy what's supposed to be life after death? God?

The conversation isn't about her though, and she won't ask Karkat about the monstrosity she has imagined Lord English to be. She can't even reassure him of much because he already knows all his potential outcomes and almost none of them are good.

you could stay in Panem.
I'm not leaving either.

[crabmunicator]

"I don't have a choice," he says, more roughly than he intended. "It's either go back and be pelted with my own irrelevance until my existence is wiped out entirely, or try to... to make something worthwhile here. This is all I have, Nill. I don't know how to make it clearer than that."

He knows she meant to be comforting, but it's just more of the same to his ears right now. Doomed, no hope, no chance. He wanted to help here anyway, to make something more of this world so that those in this place won't have to suffer so, but at least the nagging worry that he was an offshoot wasn't confirmed before now. Like this he has to face it head on, and he hates it. He always wanted to be the leader, and it's been stripped from him. Either he'll have to forge out another spot here, if the opportunity even presents itself, or give up as resign to background ally.