Bucky Barnes ☆ 32557038 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
tookthewheel) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
thecapitol2014-07-02 02:04 pm
tookthewheel) wrote in thecapitol2014-07-02 02:04 pm
Cruelty is in waking [Open]
Who| Bucky Barnes (MCU) and Steve Rogers, Bucky and OTA
What| Bucky arrives back in the Capitol and luckily runs into Steve first, later in the week he's exploring the training centre
Where| Various locations in the training centre
When| Through week six after Bucky comes back from the dead
Warnings/Notes| Amnesia, references to trauma/violence, angst everywhere. Reply in your chosen format and I shall reciprocate!
Arrival:
He has to get out.
That thought is what is driving him forwards, has driven him forwards since he woke up and stared at two mismatched hands and thought, I've been here before. Even an asset like him knows that there are some things you aren't supposed to wake up from.
He crashed out of the too large and too soft bed soon after, hit the floor and then stumbled up, disturbed more by the sight of luxury than he would have been to find an ice-encrusted chamber and a cruel metal chair waiting for him. Somehow he'd been able to focus enough to rip open the wardrobe, snapping the hinges on the door as he rifled through, found jeans and boots that fit, a shirt and then a jacket with a hood he yanked up and tugged as far over his face as it would go. A glove was yanked unceremoniously over his metal hand.
If anyone had been in the District 1 suite to witness they would have seen the Soldier emerge from his room and barrel towards the door and out into the hallway beyond...
Prompt A: District 1 suite
There is a space here that is his. The one he woke up in.
Somewhat in better mind Bucky decides it's something he should get used to, though he's unsure if it will mean anything. It's his in name only, just like the cryo-chamber was his, like the chair was -- only by merit that no one else was put ever in there. Two days and he's shaved and somewhat more presentable than he has been for weeks and looking a damn sight better than the ghost of a man who haunted the arena for two weeks, though still trying to hide underneath a hood as he paces through the door.
Promt B: The Training Center
He finds the highest of the climbing platforms and sequesters himself there. Coming here he had no intention of fighting, distrustful of his own ability to hold back, he's come to observe. The arena is going to happen again, he's learned, and with little else to occupy him than follow Steve around on the other man's business while hoping to learn something about himself he's decided to try and do something useful instead.
Up here he can sit and watch, gauge how the other tributes fight, what they know and try to gain an estimate of their weaknesses. Few seem to use the climbing platforms and up above he can tuck himself away into the shadows, intending to be undisturbed as he conducts his reconnaissance.
Prompt C: The rooftop
Of all the places he's explored in the training centre (the city still waits to be seen) he decides he likes this one the best. It's quiet. Big enough with secluded spots where he can avoid others. At this time of year it's also warm with the sun beating down, the heat unimpeded by the barely visible glimmer of the force fields.
He finds a secluded spot and sits on the ground with his back to a wooden wall that has plants crawling up it, ensuring no one can come at him from behind and giving him a clear view of anything approaching from the front.
What| Bucky arrives back in the Capitol and luckily runs into Steve first, later in the week he's exploring the training centre
Where| Various locations in the training centre
When| Through week six after Bucky comes back from the dead
Warnings/Notes| Amnesia, references to trauma/violence, angst everywhere. Reply in your chosen format and I shall reciprocate!
Arrival:
He has to get out.
That thought is what is driving him forwards, has driven him forwards since he woke up and stared at two mismatched hands and thought, I've been here before. Even an asset like him knows that there are some things you aren't supposed to wake up from.
He crashed out of the too large and too soft bed soon after, hit the floor and then stumbled up, disturbed more by the sight of luxury than he would have been to find an ice-encrusted chamber and a cruel metal chair waiting for him. Somehow he'd been able to focus enough to rip open the wardrobe, snapping the hinges on the door as he rifled through, found jeans and boots that fit, a shirt and then a jacket with a hood he yanked up and tugged as far over his face as it would go. A glove was yanked unceremoniously over his metal hand.
If anyone had been in the District 1 suite to witness they would have seen the Soldier emerge from his room and barrel towards the door and out into the hallway beyond...
Prompt A: District 1 suite
There is a space here that is his. The one he woke up in.
Somewhat in better mind Bucky decides it's something he should get used to, though he's unsure if it will mean anything. It's his in name only, just like the cryo-chamber was his, like the chair was -- only by merit that no one else was put ever in there. Two days and he's shaved and somewhat more presentable than he has been for weeks and looking a damn sight better than the ghost of a man who haunted the arena for two weeks, though still trying to hide underneath a hood as he paces through the door.
Promt B: The Training Center
He finds the highest of the climbing platforms and sequesters himself there. Coming here he had no intention of fighting, distrustful of his own ability to hold back, he's come to observe. The arena is going to happen again, he's learned, and with little else to occupy him than follow Steve around on the other man's business while hoping to learn something about himself he's decided to try and do something useful instead.
Up here he can sit and watch, gauge how the other tributes fight, what they know and try to gain an estimate of their weaknesses. Few seem to use the climbing platforms and up above he can tuck himself away into the shadows, intending to be undisturbed as he conducts his reconnaissance.
Prompt C: The rooftop
Of all the places he's explored in the training centre (the city still waits to be seen) he decides he likes this one the best. It's quiet. Big enough with secluded spots where he can avoid others. At this time of year it's also warm with the sun beating down, the heat unimpeded by the barely visible glimmer of the force fields.
He finds a secluded spot and sits on the ground with his back to a wooden wall that has plants crawling up it, ensuring no one can come at him from behind and giving him a clear view of anything approaching from the front.
Closed to Steve
Everything here is alien and unknown as he ducks his head down and hunches his shoulders, peering out under locks of hair for an exit. There's no thought as to where he's going, Out is the only priority, escaping somewhere where he can breath and collect himself before trying to make sense of his reality again.
There are other people here and guards, at least he identifies them as guards. They wear white suits and helmets, he thinks he could kill them if he needed to. The Soldier feels as strong as he did when they first put him into the arena with that unexplained weakened state they somehow enforced. It wouldn't be enough to stop him making a break for it.
Up ahead the exit to the city looms, spurring him onwards.
Re: Closed to Steve
Especially, since Bucky looks like he stole the good china and is making his getaway.
Steve is on his feet and swiftly making his way over to the man. It's not about catching Bucky - not really - but he can't just sit here and watch him disappear into the city like it doesn't matter. It's Bucky, he always matters. And maybe it's about just needing to really see the man and know if he's okay. To see if Bucky needs him at all.
And maybe that's selfish because it's Steve who needs him.
"Bucky, wait," Steve is close, he wants to reach out and grab him, but he feels like that might spook him, make him run or lash out, which would only catch the peacekeepers' attention.
It bothers him how much it feels like dealing with a frightened wild animal when he's with Bucky.
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He stops, or is it more like he freezes in place? Like a deer in headlights.
The Soldier turns his head and then his whole body, twisting to face Steve with disbelief and a clear shock of expression on his face. It's almost like he's seeing a ghost -- and he may as well have after believing the other man dead for over a week.
What happens next is completely unexpected, a reflex action with no thought behind it, just impulse.
"Steve...?" and it's not the Soldier's voice, it's someone else's, bursting forth like some alien thing from inside him. He flinches from the revelation of it as much as the upending of what he thought he knew.
Is this a trick? Did they lie about all the deaths? But no, he'd killed a man and seen his face appear the same way in the sky. Except... he was here and he was sure he had died too. Was it all a trick? Everything?
His hands clench tight inside his pockets, determinedly kept there to try and ground himself as his mind reels from the sudden influx of information and feeling.
Because he does feel, he feels relieved to see Steve alive.
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It's an overwhelming, consuming mash of feelings.
"Bucky- you-" Steve stops himself, recognizing that he's almost losing himself to the moment and not focusing on the fact of what the Capitol has done to his friend. He can't do that, he needs to be stable ground for his friend to stand on, someone he can rely on. So, he forces it all down, refocusing.
“They didn't even tell you we get revived, did they? Shit," he keeps his tone mostly level, but a little bit of heat gets through - too much too push down too fast. It makes him furious with the Capitol for not telling any of the newest arrivals anything of their situation. Just threw them in with a good luck and a goodbye. More bodies to add to the count. More drama.
Steve takes a deep breath, gets it back under his skin, where it can continue to push him to make change.
“How about we get some fresh air?” Steve nods towards the doors. It's as much a distraction for him as needed information for Bucky.
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He's alive. He's really alive, they both are, and it's a good thing he has his fists clenched tight in the pockets of the jacket because part of him wants to reach out and grab hold of Steve, of his arm or his shoulder and make sure, make very sure that it is him and not some illusion or lie of either his mind or the people who had brought him here.
Because it's harder to focus than it should be, he's overwhelmed and doesn't know what to do. There's no prior scenario in his programming to run off here, he's flying completely blind and it's the worst it's been since he first ignored the directive to return to Hydra control in the wake of a disastrously failed mission. At least then he'd known to lay low and blend in before turning to gathering intelligence.
Now though, confronted with this reality, he just can't, he can't and he latches onto the suggestion Steve makes like it's a command. It takes him some moments to swallow, to work his suddenly dry throat and mouth to be able to speak again.
"Yes."
This time he'll follow Steve rather than leave him behind.
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And it's that thought that spurs his anger at the Capitol all over again, that they would put Bucky through that, make him honestly think he was fighting for his life in there. It made so much more sense why Bucky had killed as much as he did, it wasn't just a mission but honest survival in his mind. They couldn't even be bothered to give him basic information.
Though, some of the blame falls on himself, having failed to inform Bucky when he had the chance.
Steve's hand twitches, wanting to reach out and give a familiar squeeze of the shoulder, something that used to be reassuring between them, let him know his eyes aren't deceiving him. Instead, he thinks better of it and exits out of the building, trusting Bucky will follow.
"There's a lot to tell you, but I guess a good start is why I'm alive. Why you're alive," Steve leads them off away from the crowds, towards the park for now. "When people die in the arena, they can come back after. Not always, sometimes you die and are gone. But here in the Capitol, outside the arena, if you die, you stay dead."
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Walking helps, though the moment they're out of the doors he has to fight a momentary sense to flee back inside because the sudden brightness and flood of people is a sensory overload that takes a few seconds to fight off. It's not Washington in any way, it's not any city he can recognise from the subconscious store of information that he's provided in his mind.
It's also loud, making him hunch further inside the hooded jacket he's attempted to hide himself in. Step, step, breathe, eyes on Steve's broad shoulders even as his mind instinctively works at strategy and the most efficient methods to cut his way through but the press of people is gradually receding, left behind in favour of wherever Steve is taking him. Because of that he's able to catch onto and listen to what he's being told.
"They choose. How?" he asks, these new puppet masters in Hydra's stead. He can accept what he's told without understanding 'how' so much, it doesn't matter to him how they bring people back as much as the criteria for why. What is the mark of failure, what will save his life and what will end it permanently.
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Crowds offer a chance for more private conversation because of how it muffles and becomes background noise to the mics all across the city, but his reaction just secures his resolve to get them somewhere more peaceful. Steve knows that at this time of day, the Park is fairly unpopulated, he goes running there often enough.
"I don't know, not even sure how they do it, I just know most come back, but a handful don't," Steve wants to know. It could give them a leg up, it could solve a problem they're facing. "I heard if you're boring in the arena too often, they won't, and if you openly rebel, they'll torture then kill you."
He wasn't that keen on mentioning the boring part, but he doesn't want to misinform Bucky either. "You don't have to kill all the time to be interesting, there's other ways."
Hell, he was really popular because he's a tease.
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Unless wiping was included as part of the torture. It hurt enough, enough that he always remembered it despite how much he forgot everything else, a primordial fear -- or perhaps it was a memory they let him keep to help ensure his obedience.
He doesn't want to be wiped again, he would prefer they killed him.
"The instruction was to kill." The Soldier says doubtfully, keeping his eyes on Steve, letting his other senses work on warning him of any incoming threats. He wants to keep the captain in his sight, he feels better being able to see him. "What else is there?" Especially for a weapon like him.
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"No, they-" he licks his lips to try and fight the dry feeling in his mouth, "-they don't. This is a game show, one where they throw us into the ring and fight to the death for-" Steve shakes his head, his mouth getting ahead of him now. "They want us to remember, this isn't about being wiped and starting clean. Breaking us with the memories of what we do to survive, to not starve, the killing, the being killed, it's half the appeal for the audience," his words show how much he disagrees with it, how much he doesn't like it, but Steve is a master strategist, so he can see their reasons clearly.
Steve turns to look at Bucky, none of the distaste for the Capitol directed at him in any way. He can't bring himself to blame Bucky for the programming Hydra forced on him. "You don't have to do what you're instructed anymore, your decisions are yours now. They told me to fight my fellow tributes and kill them, but I helped people, that's what I decided."
Now Bucky is free to decide for himself. Steve still plans to give him a no kill list, but he can't bring himself to order the man not to kill at all. This is one of the few freedoms they have and he wants Bucky to have it.
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"It's not efficient." is the judgement he gives after a moment to assess the information Steve gives him. It's not like any mission briefing he's been given before. Of all the reasons Hydra had ever sent him out he didn't think appealing to an audience had ever been one of them.
When Steve turns he stops. They face each other now and it's different than it was before.
He didn't have to do as he was told. He could make his own decisions. Part of him rises up to deny it but -- but he had, he had done it before. The Soldier wets his lips as he thinks it over, remembering that moment where he disobeyed wilfully for the first time.
"I didn't go back." it's almost like a confession. "I was supposed to return and I didn't."
Before that even, when he spared Steve Rogers, when he saved Steve Rogers.
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He wasn't expecting what Bucky said next, the confession like quality of it , how it felt like Bucky was confiding in him a wrong he did. Maybe trying to prove he could make his own decisions already. Still, he was expecting Bucky to deny it more than prove it.
Maybe more of the programming was broken than he realized. It's hopeful.
"I'm glad you decided not to go back," not that he left him a lot to go back to. He imagines it wasn't easy for him though. "It gets easier over time and I'm here for you every step of the way," he gives him a reassuring look, something of a smile.
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For the Soldier it was bad, it was very bad. Disobedience was not acceptable and yet there it was, wilful disobedience with no sign of repentance -- though there had been close moments where he'd been ready to bolt back and throw himself once more into servitude. He knew where to find them, he always did. Returning would mean being wiped and frozen though, he did not want that, he did not want to lose the tiny pieces of knowledge he had gained.
"How can you say that? How can you know?"
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He's not going to thank you at first. The words come to mind, surface and settle there, like a reminder. James was right, this was going to get worse for Bucky before it gets better.
"Because I know the man you used to be and I know the man you have the potential to become, and it's hard to make choices, it's hard to take control of your life after so long of not having it be your life, but I've disobeyed too, I've done it to save your life just like you did it to save mine," Steve hopes this is getting through to him. That Hydra's hold isn't that strong.
And before he can stop himself, the question that's been on his mind since he woke up in the hospital is falling from his lips, "Why did you save me? You're the one who pulled me to shore," it's almost a question, but he's never doubted it was Bucky who did it.
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Half a dozen times or more he could remember being about to strike out for a Hydra safehouse and seek out the comfort of familiar authority but he had always turned back before his legs could carry him very far. It's one of the few clear things he can remember of his first few days on his own, the rest is a confused blur. He remembers hiding with all the skill they taught him, waiting for a strike team to come to collect him and take him back to the chair for correction.
Nothing though. The televisions and newspapers cried Hydra's existence to the world because of the Widow's actions and no one came for him.
He'd -- given himself missions; observation, reconnaissance. That was wrong in itself, he didn't get to decide anything before, least of all what he should be doing. But he kept acting without anyone else's prompting, kept surviving.
Until they brought him here and finally another order came down.
In the time he's been thinking he realises Steve has been talking. Getting lost inside his head is becoming another worrying symptom, a dangerous one, diminishing his situational awareness. The Soldier hears the question though and it's enough to make his equilibrium shake even more.
Why. Why had he -- why he done the cardinal sin and not finished the mission. All he would have had to do was let the captain drown. Nothing could have been done for the helicarriers then, his fault but he might have succeeded at killing Captain America. He could've made the headshot, he'd gone back the mission countless, why had he fired non-lethally? Why had he stopped attacking Steve Rogers before he was dead?
He wants to look away yet he can't, the traitorous thoughts running through his head compell him to answer.
"I... had to." his fingers twitch inside his pockets in memory as he tries to sink deeper into the hooded jacket he's wearing and let it hide his confusion. "You said I know you."
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And that'll mean learning to read the more subtle body language.
"You do know me," Steve says it gently but it's full of conviction, not a doubt in his mind. "You know that now, right? You remember me, even just a little, don't you?" Steve wants to sound like he's got conviction behind that too, but it only comes out painfully hopeful.
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He knew. He knew Steve Rogers.
The Soldier's head drops, comes back up. It's a nod, more or less. "There was an exhibit." he says slowly, "About you. I saw him there, James Buchanan Barnes." this is it, the moment, the next word he says is the confirmation he denied before. "Me."
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Bucky just acknowledged he's James Buchanan Barnes. It might not be a confession of remembering, but it was acknowledgement of who he is.
The relief is so powerful that Steve feels light headed for a moment. All the emotions he pushed down before when he was called by his name want to come rushing back. Good, bad, all of it wanting to lodge in his chest and make him ache with it.
With how much this means to him on so many levels.
"Yeah, you're him," Steve is having trouble putting anymore words to it than that, but his relieved smile should fill in the blanks.
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The asset, the Winter Soldier, had been -- was? -- a man named James Buchanan Barnes. He had had a life before he was a weapon. The name settles in his mind and digs its claws in a little deeper to push between the cracks of Hydra's programming. It still feels like an ill-fitting suit, something he's going to need time to adjust to. Accepting the identity is a start, a small step in the right direction but there's still so much of the Hydra's asset dominating his existence. An asset with an existence that was strictly regulated and controlled, always with direction from someone else. Steve was more than right when he said it was hard to make choices and take control over his own life, the Soldier doesn't know what step to take next and there's not enough of Bucky there yet to help him with that.
At least not now that Hydra is beyond his reach.
So he looks to Steve, the only point of familiarity he has in this world and tells him so, "I don't know what to do."
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Honestly, Steve isn't even sure what to do, all he knows is that he'd do anything to help the man in front of him. To help the friend he lost more times than he cares to think about. The next time Bucky reaches out to him, he won't let the man slip from his grasp. He'll hang on this time, even if it means he falls with him.
"Right now, all you can do is take it slow and figure it out as you go, it won't be easy, but you don't have to go through it alone, if you ever lose your way, I'll help you find it again," Steve finally reaches out, in an obvious movement so the man knows it's coming, and rests his hand on his shoulder, hoping it's comforting. "I'm with you til the end of the line."
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He thinks there's a word for this feeling, he can't remember what it is, when moments overlap and you feel like you've been somewhere before that you can't remember.
I'm with you til the end of the line.
Bucky's metal fingers open and close in the confines of his pocket and really, what choice does he have? Steve Rogers is all he has to go on, how can he say no to that? Perhaps he already made his choice the moment he agreed to follow him out here seeking some kind of guidance in this new phase of his existence.
"Okay."
A simple word for a momentous thing.
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He gives the man's shoulder a friendly squeeze before withdrawing his hand. There's a lot he could say, but right now he should help set up Bucky to survive this place. Give him information so he can build up to making his own decisions.
"Alright, how about I catch you up on a few things about this place? Arena too, that way you don't get a nasty surprise like earlier," Steve gives him a small goodnatured smile.
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A breath he hadn't realised he was holding is released and he looks dutifully up at the captain when he speaks, nodding. "Yes."
He feels calmer now somehow that a decision is made, shifting his head a little so the hair is out of his face and he can give the briefing his full attention. The more he learns the better he can perform.
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"To start, they have surveillance everywhere around here, eyes and ears. It's best to mind what you say, they don't take kindly to antiCapitol sentiment," good thing to start on, they need to mind what they say. He has no idea where Bucky will land, but doesn't matter. "The Capitol is where we are now, outside it are districts numbering one to twelve. Before they started to take people like us from other worlds for their death matches, they would choose children from each district and have them fight to the death, but also unlike us, they didn't come back from the dead after. Dead was dead, which is how it works outside the arena. You die outside the arena, there is no coming back. You're dead."
Cheery subject, but might as well just jump right in.
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Why dead outside the arena is permanent but inside is not is confusing but he doesn't think Steve could answer it, not when he had already said he had no idea how resurrection was achieved in the first place. If he had to guess the Soldier would think it was a punishment for dying against the rules, in which case he considers there are worse things.
"Why us now instead of the children?"
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